Identity Crisis

As far back as I can remember, I have always had terribly vivid dreams. Mother always said that it was a sign of being connected to the world of the spirits and that I should feel blessed. Yet so many nights I have woken up in a cold sweat or screaming from some sort of horrible nightmare. And some mornings when I wake up, I am not sure where the dream ends and reality begins.

Quite often, the most vivid, the most "real", dreams are those that involve Eien. I don't have a very good reason why this is. Asami-chan suggested that this may be because of how I feel for him or how special he is to me. But she admitted that she is a hopeless romantic. Ever since I met him over ten years ago, he has always seemed different, almost more real than real. He is a mystery and I can never hope to understand him, but I love him just the same.

I must have had this dream a week or so after Eien began to wear his black Student Council uniform, the one he asked Michiko-chan to make for him. At the time, I thought he wanted it to satisfy his own eccentricities as an escape from the terrible heartache he was suffering, thanks to my sister, Miyuki. However, I later learned he was using the uniform as a focus to heal.

He was running and I was running after him. Not the Eien of Ohtori Academy, but the one I went to school with back home, when we were both younger. He must have been about eight or so.

He was running, trying to escape. He seemed to always be running away from people back then. Not very many people liked him and most were jealous of what he had: a certain kind of eccentric brightness that reminded you of the great names in science. The other children picked on him and seemed intent to make him miserable. His foster father, Kazuo Iyo, hated him and further sought to hurt Eien.

He was running to a place that was always special to him and I. Atop a hill halfway between his house and mine was a beautiful cherry tree. That was our meeting place whenever we wanted to get together, no matter if it was to have fun or to cry. I can't remember how many times I held his head in my lap while he cried.

Running up the hill, he slipped on the grass. He was standing back up when I caught up to him. "Are you okay, Eien-kun?" I asked. "I'm sorry, Natsumi-kun," was all he said. If there is any phrase I remember from our childhood together, that would be it. "I'm sorry, Natsumi-kun." He was always sorry for something.

"It's okay, Eien-kun," I said. Then I noticed tears forming in his eyes. "What's wrong, Eien-kun? Won't you tell me?"

"I can't do anything right, can I?" he asked, beginning to cry. "Otousan always says that. I can never do anything right." To me, Kazuo Iyo has always been a hateful man and, for what he's done to Eien, I don't think I'll ever forgive him. He always made Eien miserable. Always.

"That's a lie," I said. "You can do plenty right. You're much better in school than me. You're far ahead of everyone else in math and science." It was a weak statement, I know, but I could not think of anything better to say. When he starts beating himself up like that, there doesn't seem to be much for me to say.

"But, is any of that important? It still won't make otousan like me." He had a point.

"I like you as you are, Eien-kun," I said, trying to smile. I still remember times like this, when I desperately wanted him to be happy, when I felt his pain in my heart.

"Who am I?" he whispered, tears rolling down his face. "You always say I'm more than good enough, and yet everyone else says I'm no good at all. Which is it? Which is it?"

Before I could answer, he disappeared. He was suddenly nowhere to be seen. I looked around wildly for him. Where is he? Where did he go?

I saw him sitting underneath the cherry tree. Not the child Eien of before, but an Eien maybe slightly younger than sixteen. He was wearing the white uniform of the Ohtori Academy Student Council. By then, I had only seen Eien during his vacations over the past five years, ever since he started going to Ohtori Academy. I recognized the time as having been the summer before I started going to Ohtori Academy myself. As a member of the Student Council, he certainly seemed distinguished, and he seemed stronger than before.

"There you are," I said, feeling somewhat more at ease.

"Where else would I be? I seem to spend more time here than at home during vacations," he said with a slight frown. Even if Eien was stronger, he was still vulnerable to Kazuo Iyo's bile. "Oh well, such is life." I never have liked that tone of voice, the one that conveyed surrender. I still don't like the idea of Eien giving up, ever.

"So, how is school?" I asked, trying to make conversation.

"Lonely, and yet not," he said. "I feel alone when I'm with my friends, especially when I see Shin and Himitsu together."

"A couple, are they?" I asked.

"You could call them that." He shrugged. "Natsumi-kun, do you remember last summer and then last Christmas? Do you remember all the fun that you, Miyuki-kun, and I had?"

"Yes, I do," I nodded. Somehow this exchange seemed very familiar.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking about then and how I feel." No, not this conversation, I thought. Anything but this conversation again. "I find that I have fallen in love with your sister, Natsumi-kun." That sentence still hurts every time I relive it. Every time I want to say to him "But, but I love you, Eien," but I know that saying that wouldn't change anything. "But," he continued, "I don't think she loves me back."

"That's nonsense," I said. "She cares for you a great deal, Eien." When we had this conversation the first time, I honestly believed this. Unfortunately, my dear sister would prove me wrong.

"Does she?" he asked skeptically. Just like him to question anything that could possibly be in his favor.

"Yes, she does," I said, forcing myself to smile. I wanted him then, but to think I couldn't have him... He broke my heart that day, but not intentionally. "I'll help you."

"Come again?" he asked, not quite knowing what I meant.

"I'll help you and Miyuki-oneechan get together." I knew at the time that this would be the one thing that would hurt me most, but I also knew it would be the right decision to make.

"Thanks, Natsumi-kun," he said. "But..."

This wasn't in the original conversation. "But?"

He stood up and started to walk around the tree. On the right side of his back, just above the waist, was a large red splotch. I remember that splotch well. It was the stain his blood made after he was stabbed that one night. "But she doesn't love me, Natsumi-kun. She loves Ichirou. She hates me with all of her heart."

"But I thought she did..." Tears started to form in my eyes. "I'm sorry, Eien-kun. I didn't know then."

"It's not your fault," Eien said. But not the Eien in the white uniform. On the other side of the tree, another Eien stood. This Eien wore the black uniform. "How could either of us know?"

"I'm sorry for that pain, Eien-kun," I said. "I would have shielded you if I could." I couldn't help but cry now.

"It's just as well you didn't," black-Eien said. "For..."

"...out of death..." said white-Eien.

"...comes rebirth," black-Eien finished.

"Yet who am I?" they both asked at once. "Which one is the real me?"

"You're both real," I said. "You're both the same person."

"Good answer," white-Eien said. "But to the wrong question," said the other.

"Miyuki sees the same me as otousan does. They hate me," said white-Eien. "To them, there is nothing good about me at all."

"Yet, according to you, Natsumi-kun," black-Eien began, "there is much that is good about me. Asami-kun and Michiko-kun both seem to agree with you on that. But the dilemma is..."

"Who is right?" they both asked. Hearing them speak at the same time made my head hurt.

"I am right, at least to me," I said. "Why can't you accept that there are good things about you?"

"Who am I?" they asked, almost demanded.

"You are Eien-kun," I cried. I collapsed to my knees. "That is my answer."

Suddenly, the Eien in white had white feathered wings like an angel's and the Eien in black had large bat-like wings like a demon's. "Which am I?" they asked. "An angel?" asked the white. "A demon?" asked the black.

"I don't know, Eien-kun," I said.

"Who am I? Which am I?" they kept demanding. And each time, I sobbed "I don't know" in return.

I woke up screaming. I felt sick, like I would throw up. And I just wanted to cry until I could cry no longer. But I had to do one thing first. I picked up the phone and dialed a number.

"Hello?" Eien's sleepy voice answered on the other end.

I couldn't help myself. I was already crying. "Eien-kun," I said, tears stinging my eyes. "You are you. And I love you so very much."

"What's wrong, Natsumi-kun?" he asked. I could hear the worry in his voice.

"I had a bad dream," I said.

"Do you want to meet and talk about it?"

"Now?!" I asked incredulously. "It's four in the morning and there's the curfew and..."

"Do you or do you not?" he asked.

"I want to, so very much, Eien-kun."

"So meet me in the lobby in twenty minutes."

"But won't you get in trouble?"

"Maybe. But I think you're more important than that. And, besides, Amano-sempai always said that there are advantages to being on the Student Council. I might as well see how far they go. See you in twenty minutes." He hung up the phone.

I was in shock. I couldn't believe this was happening. But he said he was coming so he would be. I had to get ready to see him.