Starlit Reflection

How many stars are there in the sky? I can't count them all. Each little scintillating pinpoint of light in the heavens holds its own mystery. Any one star is more mysterious than I. Maybe their mystery is what draws me to them. I seem to spend most nights looking up at the stars.

Eien told me once that he finds hope in the stars. He may be the one person who comes closest to my thoughts on stars, as much as I wish it were different. Most days I just wish he would leave me alone though. He says he loves me, and sometimes I can literally feel that love but I can never love him back. I wish I could tell him that but I can't. Maybe that's because I can't help but care about him. Or maybe it is because of my own weakness. Either way, it is frustrating.

My sister, Natsumi, is right: Eien is special. There's something about him which makes him different from everyone else I have met. It always hurt to see our classmates torment him with their despicable behavior, but I couldn't muster the strength to defend him. It was always Natsumi who would stand up for him first. I wanted to try, but I couldn't, and I could never make my feelings materialize into words, so I said nothing.

I think there was a time when I could have fallen in love with him, but I don't know why things changed. Maybe it's that he reminds me of my weakness. I want to be so much more for him but I can't. I don't know what keeps me back, what prevents me from being strong.

I feel bad for Natsumi. She loves Eien with all her heart, but he loves me. She's trying to help him too, even though it hurts her. I know it hurts her so much sometimes that she cries herself to sleep. It hurts to see her like that and it hurts that I can't help her. I wish Eien fell in love with her instead of me. I wish he could make her happy. I wish he could see.

I just feel so weak, so powerless. I can't tell Eien how I truly feel. I can't help my twin sister be happy or even ease her pain. I can't speak up or speak out. I can't even really fight. All I can really do, it seems, is look up at the stars.